| Is calling a phone dominant or seeing a pro domme cheating? |
| Written by Lady Johanna |
| Saturday, 20 September 2008 07:36 |
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This question was posed in a thread over on All Star Doms, a forum where professional dominants and their admirers chat.
I like the forum, it has a lot more participation than most of it's type. It doesn't feel like it's just there for women to drum up customers. People actually talk and discuss things, both scene-related and otherwise. Here is what I posted as my thoughts on the topic of whether or not seeing or calling a domme constitutes cheating on your girlfriend or wife. I'm going to spout off on this topic a bit. One of the things that greatly saddens me amongst many of my callers is that so few of them feel able to be honest in the real world. It's not just that there are so many more men into BDSM than women. If it were all just supply-and-demand, well... that'd be how it is. Most of us aren't farmers, so we buy food, this is not a problem. But there's a lot more to it. It's this whole weirdness about sex, the stereotype where men like it and are perverts and women reign them in and disapprove and say no. A few miles down the interstate from me, there is an adult store, conveniently located so truck drivers have easy access. And just before the exit approaching it, there is a small billboard with a picture of a husband, wife and baby done in a 50s clip-art style, and the text says: "What you risk by using porn... everything." What kind of woman would divorce a man just because he used porn? And how freaking unrealistic is she about male sexuality that she believed he didn't use porn? Where would her priorities be that porn trumps an entire life built together? Every time I see that billboard, it pisses me off. I want to put another one in front of it, "What you risk by being unrealistically stupid about male sexuality: having a husband who lies to you and cheats on you." I'm not justifying cheating. I think people should be honest, but honesty is predicated on having some ability to be real without being vilified. And it's just not like that in our world. I think an awful lot of women have utter fluff in their head about men. Silly ideas like if he really loved me, he'd not look at other women; if he jerks off to porn, it means I'm not enough for him; if he has fantasies in his head that aren't acceptable to me, he isn't who I thought he was. And many of you guys play along with it. One of the saddest clients I ever had was a guy into being diapered. Not my thing, but... his fiancee couldn't know, ever. The risk is that if he's honest, he loses her love. No one wants to be alone, to be unloved, unwanted, undesired. So they lie. (I worked somewhere else when I had the client I discuss here, but I work through Niteflirt now and it's against their TOS, so don't call me to discuss adult baby stuff.) The thing is... he was a really nice guy, in so many ways. If I were in love with him, I could easily see playing with diapers now and again, because what the heck? It's not that big a deal to cater to someone's fetishes a bit, even if they don't turn me on. Who *wouldn't* do that for someone they love? And if you really can't cater to something - so what? Let them get it elsewhere. Why is this a big deal? I hate liver, I can't even cook it as the smell disgusts me. If you like liver, I'm going to *encourage* you to go to a restaraunt for it. But this guy - he didn't even dare ask, didn't even dare bring it up. The person he is closest to in the world, and he can't share this part of himself. So he called me. And he really didn't call for phone domination as he rarely jerked off on the phone. He called to talk about how his fetish developed, where it came from, why he was the way he was, how it felt to him. And he kept calling back because of what I gave him - which was simply acceptance. I learned everything I know about his fetish from him, I didn't know anything before he began calling me. Just... it seemed that knowledge of him ought to belong to the person he was intimate with, not me. I have no problem with the notion that guys call me to get what I do; all women aren't into domination. There's any number of services that people buy because they don't produce it themselves or in their relationship. No one thinks you're "cheating" cause you buy electricity if your spouse doesn't own a nuclear plant! But that they call me just to be able to tell the truth about themselves strikes me as sad. I wish ALL of you guys wouldn't lie to women, so women wouldn't be so stupid on this topic. If every woman knew that the vast majority of men are *men* and what that entails, this whole cheating conversation wouldn't happen. Similarly, I wish ALL women wouldn't date abusers so they'd stop being wrong the way they are, but I don't always get what I want. Affairs between the sexes are often screwed up in our world and I don't know what to do about that except insist I won't be in such a stupid relationship myself. Personally, when I'm dating someone, I insist on seeing the porn on his computer. If he doesn't want to show it to me, or claims he doesn't have any, that's the end of that as I'm simply not interested in being in a relationship with someone who lies to me or hides things from me. I *know* you have fantasies, and if you won't let me into your head, we can't be close. What do you think? |
Wearing a diaper is not 'adultery', but there is no getting around the fact that the man who satisfies this fetish by seeking out a domme is not very different from an unsatisfied man who seeks out a prostitute instead of his partner.
I agree that the sad part is that the man can't be honest with his partner and lives in a vanilla world where he faces an awful lot of judgement. Thats just wrong.
It's not cheating on Johanna if I stop and get a Big Mac on the way home, even if I don't tell her first. It wouldn't occur to her to think she "owned" my appetite, that I had "done" something to her cause I got a meal without her.
Johanna likes to beat people and mind-fuck them; I don't bottom. So she dominates other people and I get my Big Macs and everyone's happy.
Neither of those have anything to do with the fact that we love each other. Sexual gratification doesn't have anything to do with her being my best friend and lover.
There's differences, of course. There's safety issues with promiscuous sex that don't occur with "promiscuous eating". There's a need for honesty and negotiation because of that. My eating a Big Mac doesn't risk Johanna getting heart disease; I take the risk for myself only. So we have agreed to be body-fluid monogamous, because that's the level of safety we're both comfortable with.
But the *basic* fact that people seem to think if they're in a relationship they have some sort of "claim" on another person's sexuality strikes me as bizarre.
Why is love so connected with sex?
If something happens to your partner such that they could no longer have sex, is the relationship over? Do you have to decide between never having sex again and abandoning someone you love? Why?
Frankly, I think much heartache could be avoided if people didn't think like this.
I agree with you that the judgment is the *primary* problem though.
I used to eat onion sandwiches when I was a teenager, just raw onion sliced on bread. Lots of people think that's *weird*, but no one calls me a pervert cause of it, or thinks I'm a bad person cause my taste is a bit unusual.
Though peanut butter and banana sandwiches - that's just evil. ;)